


Just Can't Say It

by Castiel_Left_His_Mark_On_Me



Series: Destiel Feels [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Implied Relationships, Inner Dialogue, Love, M/M, POV Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 02:45:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4002856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castiel_Left_His_Mark_On_Me/pseuds/Castiel_Left_His_Mark_On_Me
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hunter and the angel have been together for a month ... but neither can say that much is different now. Not for the lack of trying ... Castiel's trying. The guilt eats Dean away from the core, but he just can't seem to say it. He just can't express how he feels. It doesn't seem to be within him, and the angel just wants to understand why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Can't Say It

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this little ficlet because I was informed that it was Destiel Day, and I just wouldn't feel like a true shipper if I didn't contribute in some way. Enjoy!

He wishes the words would come. It’s not like he wants to be silent. It’s not like he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to tell Cas just what he means to him— _lord knows_ the angel deserves it. _But how?_ How the hell does he even begin?

Radiant blues stare at him expectantly. “Dean? Will you please talk to me?”

> _Yes … no, I can’t, Cas. I don’t know … I’ll try?_

Dean nods.

Castiel smiles a little before turning on the edge of the bed to face him. His eyebrows raised, urging the man on.

“I—I am glad, _ya know_ … that you … are, _uh_ … you know.I’m just … _I’m glad_.” His chest aches as he watches the angel’s shoulders slump. _  
_

> _I know you wanted to hear more_ — _fuck_ , _why can’t I say anything right?_

“Ifeel I know what you are inching towards; I just wish that you could vocalize it. _I don’t know_ —I suppose it’s being on Earth, but I find myself needing this sort of interaction more and more. I wish for you to truly speak with me, Dean ... share how you feel—not even about me, about _anything;_ but italways seems that it takes a life or death situation to bring it about, and I wish that that was not always the case.”

> _Me either, Cas. I want to say it, I do. I want to talk about you, and you and me—and just how fucking great it is._

He nods again.

His hand is soon collected and wrapped with the long, soft fingers of the angel— _his angel._ “If I could only know what you are thinking about all of this … about _us_ and the new dynamic in our relationship, I would feel more secure in how to move forward; but at the moment, I feel as if we're stuck.”

> _I don’t mind being stuck with you, Cas … hell, I don’t mind moving forward with you—go as far as you want. I'm crazy about you, god damnit! I never feel better than when we’re here like this. That’s all I want … I’ve wanted it for so long._

Dean just sighs and looks to the ground.

> _I’m a fucking waste. Why do you even want me?_

“Dean …” Castiel hums, sounding soft and reassuring—the way he always gets whenever Dean is spiraling. “You know that I’ve wanted this ever since you first showed me what it was to choose … _to think,_ to do the right thing. You have been the entirety of my existence for so long … and it still did not seem to be enough. I wanted more, I wanted _this_. You can assure yourself of that.”

> _But why? For fuck’s sakes, Cas! Why? You are literally a fucking angel! You are everything good and everything I’m not. Shit, you have sacrificed yourself so many fucking times … you never hesitate. You’re too good for me, man. You’re just too fucking good._

Dean gives the angel a pathetic smile, barely glancing up – knowing he’s not fooling anyone.

“I don’t need any grand gestures, Dean.”

> _But you deserve one. You deserve all the fucking grand gestures in the world. I would do every cheesy, chick-flick thing for you, Cas. I would do it in a heartbeat._

“I know” Dean says after a shaky breath.

“Then why can’t you just talk with me … just a little? You’re so closed off. Is there something more I can do? Something that will make you more comfortable?”

Dean’s head whips around, eyes wide with surprise. “ _No_! You … you are doing plenty.”

Cas can only frown, not even flinching from the hunter’s jolt. “ _Okay_ … then will you please tell me … even just in a few words, what it is that you’re feeling … about all this?”

“I—I don’t ... I don't know what to say.”

Castiel looks away, letting his hand fall from Dean’s grip.

 

> _What can I possibly say that really shows you, man? I mean … I could get cheesy—try to be romantic and shit … comparing your eyes to the sea or the sky, or done bullshit ... but they aren’t even like that. That wouldn’t be right even if I did. They’re deeper than that. They’re closer than that … they're like nothing I’ve ever seen, or felt—and I can feel them … when they’re on me. They keep me breathing … Cas, you keep me alive. That blue in your eyes is the blue in my veins—they hold me together—my heart—they hold it together. That blue will be the blue in my lips the day I finally die and stay that way, because even when the air leaves my lungs … you will still be there, Cas. You will never leave me. Never_

“It’s okay, Dean. I can wait.  I … I will be here, whenever you’re ready, whenever you can—even if you never will be able to talk about it, you know I will still be here.” Castiel turns to look at Dean, his voice—reassuring but his eyes—filled with disappointment and hurt.

> _No …_

Castiel let's go of Dean's hand “I'm going to go see if Sam needs any help with anything. I know he’s been trying to brush up on some lore.” Then the angel stands up and begins to walk away, but Dean is grabbing his wrist before he can get more than two steps.

> _Stay._

“Dean?”

“I’m sorry. Cas.”

“For what, Dean?”

“I … I …”

> _For everything– for you falling, for you giving up a life you knew for one that makes no sense to you. For hurting you. For taking you for granted. For making you have to make choices that made you doubt yourself. For just fucking everything. Most of all, for having to deal with me … I’m so, so sorry._

“I don’t know” Dean hisses in a defeated whisper.

Castiel sighs. “It’s alright, Dean. If there was anything to forgive, it’s been forgiven a long time ago.” The angel turns to walk away once more, his long coat rustling around all the things he still wants to say—but won’t because he thinks Dean can’t handle it.

> _He’s right. Fuck … I’m such a child. I need to be better … I need to be stronger for him._

“Hey … hey, Cas?”

“Yes?” Castiel responds, not even bothering to turn around this time.

“I …”

> _Say it. You fucking wimp, just say it!_

“I … ya know, _I do_ …”

> _C’mon Winchester! Man up!_

“You … _uh_ …”

> _I swear to fucking Crowley, I am going to kick my own ass if I don’t do this._

“I … you … you’re _uh … you’re_ _in my veins!_ ”

> _Idiot._

Castiel turns slowly, his head cocked to the side and his eyes—unblinking as he looks the man over. Dean cowers, lowering himself back onto the bed, not even realizing that he has stood up–and he lets his head fall into his hands. The angel moves closer to him, reaching out to let his fingers trace half-moons along Dean’s cheek. Dean finally looks up, feeling the acidic burn in his throat, eating away any chance he had to fix all this.

“Dean?”

“I’m sorry, Cas” he croaks, letting his eyes fall to the side because he can no longer stand trying to read the angel’s face.

“ _Dean_.”

The hunter keeps his sights locked on the far wall.

“Dean Winchester, _look at me_.”

> _No._

“ _Dean_ …”

A shallow breath breaks his gaze, allowing a solitary glance to come back and meet Castiel’s. The angel smiles, crooked and sweet … _easy_ and _peaceful_ … happy … _really_ happy … a sight Dean rarely sees.

“I need you to understand …”

> _I know, Cas … I will try harder. I will try and figure out my own shit. You deserve that, and I'm going to try my fucking hardest to give it to you … I promise._

The angel crouches down, sinking until he’s face to face with the human that he lifted—the human he fell for, “you’re in my veins too.”

**Author's Note:**

> For more angst, fluff, smut and overall feels, check out the rest of my Ao3!
> 
> Also, find me on tumblr at [castiel-left-his-mark-on-me](http://castiel-left-his-mark-on-me.tumblr.com)


End file.
